after reading this, but without reading it to him, i asked my mister…

“if i were blind, but needed someone to donate their eyes to me, would you?”

“could i give you one eye?” he replied.

“no, no, you’d have to give me both eyes, leaving you blind.”

“then, yes, i would”, he said, “but you’d have to take care of my eyes.”

i imagine us.

sitting at a cafe along the Seine. does the Seine have cafes along its bank? i hope so… but i’m not sure, having never been.

anyway, i imagine us.

reveling in our new found freedom; a party of two instead of four. we sit and chat aimlessly, people watching and sharing this moment we’ve so waited for.

you ask me to dance as a haunting lovely tune drifts through the air to us. i laugh into my hand and lift a brow in question, thinking of how much you used to detest dancing. but here? here, i can see you aren’t concerned about propriety, dignity, or ability. all you want to do is envelope me in your arms and sway. i welcome this softer side of you, this side of you that is more romantic than self-conscious.

i walk into your waiting arms, matching my hollows to your ridges, your hollows to my rounds. we twirl and sway, you and i, and it is easy to believe that you and i are all that is left in the world.

the music changes to something a bit more cheerful and we relax away from each other, smiling and savoring the warmth that’s passed between us. we gather our things, some fresh bread and fruits, souvenirs to send home, and make our way along the river bank back to our hotel. hand in hand, a new found treasure for us as you were never much for hand holding when the children were young. but we’re here, in Paris, and i feel you let the sweetness sink in and overflow. to me. and oh, how i adore this sweetness you share.

the doorman stands at the ready and you usher me inside. the sun is starting to dip past the horizon as i glance over my shoulder to look through the glass door and the entire walk is painted the most gorgeous hues.

as we head to our room, you turn to smile at me and it’s like the heat of the sun has followed us inside. i place my cheek against your shoulder. “it’s been such a good day,” i whisper in your ear, “thank you for this.”

so. we have re-homed our tiny little kitty loves as of today. our hearts are broken.

we love those tiny little bundles of fur, but we noticed an increase in our time out of the house and their time spent in the bathroom (where their crates and litter box were kept) over the last few months. our schedules, though, are not going to change… if anything, they will become busier as i start school in january. and, at some point, something had to give.

we’ve gone over and over this decision and other options for a few weeks now. one day we’d decide try to make it work, the next we’d see how 7 hours a day in the bathroom were on the border of inhumane. now we’ve found them a home where the mom stays at home much more than i (she still has small ones not in school) and where they have more space (a townhome versus our small mid-rise apartment).

knowing all this doesn’t help, though. it doesn’t make the hurt go away or make us feel any less guilty about having to make this very difficult decision. Roxy was my girl (because she preferred my lap over all others), Bella everyone’s kitty (because she’d really go to anyone)… and I think our house will feel a bit emptier now that they’re no longer here.

i truly know that this is the last time i could ever go through something like this, put our family through something like this, again. it hurts too much to have to part with family pets, especially when it’s in their best interest instead of for reasons like aggression or housing restrictions.

like i said, our hearts are broken. my heart is broken. things feel different and the same and there’s relief in knowing they will have more attention and space to play and a deep sadness over their loss.

a very sad, sad day.

i crawl into the bed,
use your torso as my pillow.
much needed warmth radiates from you,
dispersing the chill in me.
you ask me of my run,
listen intently as i ramble.

a pause.

a deep sigh.

i snuggle in closer,
too content in this comfort to bother starting my day.
the noise of the morning filters in to us,
punctuated by the rhythmic beating of your heart.

i wish it were Saturday.

An early morning run.

I hear nothing but my breath heaving in and out of my body, my feet catching the pavement, the music serenading me from my earphones.

It’s too early for even the birds, but the bats are just now settling in. The shadows reach toward me, threatening to overtake me, and I still have miles to go.

And then there she is.

The moon.

Spilling over my path… her brilliant silver glow backlighting the clouds, lending halos to their vapor. Her light illuminating the nearby river, its low-tide secrets exposed.

By the time I make my way home, her luster has dimmed to a deep gold and the mountains cradle her, readying the sky for her counterpart.

* times when i wish i had my camera but didn’t.

i feel the melancholy settling in

and revel in it. the need to sink inside.

to search. to feel.

i await each hazy morning, hoping

that the gloom carries throughout the day.

it feeds my soul, reminds me that there is

a time to be calm and slow down.

a time to breathe.

Have a blessed and beautiful Samhain and Halloween.